I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I pour the whiskey from now on
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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