see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
