there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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