Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
