she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
