I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
