I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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