the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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