She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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