and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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