We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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