Don't you send me to vm
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
