you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
