That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
