I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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