Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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