don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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