Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
