My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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