the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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