I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
