My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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