oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
