Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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