I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
