I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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