At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
