yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
