She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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