I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize