Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
