did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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