Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
