Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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