If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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