She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
