im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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