So drunk its hurt
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm bleeding and have questions
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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