Your face is a jimmy john
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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