The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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