Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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