what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
