I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize