Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
