Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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