I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
