What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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