Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
