Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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