You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
