The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
