I accidentally had phone sex last night
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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