Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
