Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
