The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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