A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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