Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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