Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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