but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
