apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
