just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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