I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
