It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
