I must be too annoying 4 u.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
