Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
