I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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