i think i recognize dicks better than faces
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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