last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
now i know why i became what i already was.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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