The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
